Practising my resolutions

Sometimes my resolution eyes have been bigger than my resolution tummy.

 

I have promised more than I could possibly achieve in a lifetime, let alone a year. I have promised things that I could do in a year if things like needing to work in order to live didn’t get in the way. I have promised things that I could do if I were an entirely different person who actually possessed the coordination to knit or do other crafty things.

 

(I seemed to always veer into Etsy and fitspo territory with a lot of my resolutions of the past. You should have seen how I was going to change the world one green juice in a knitted drink holder at a time.)

 

But last year, I sat with my little cat and made resolutions that felt calming and positive – and that required little else of me other than to continue being me (and required nothing of Laks because cats are too sensible to get themselves caught up in resolutions).

I resolved to write as bravely as I could and still press ‘publish’, even if I closed my eyes doing it. I resolved to be open to new experiences, and new people. And I resolved to be mindful of, and grateful for, the beauties in my life. And, apart from a few bumps here and there when life got a bit tricky, I kept to them.

 

And it felt amazing for two reasons. Firstly, because I didn’t feel like I’d failed at anything, which is always a positive place to exist. And, secondly, because those things made me feel amazing – they were things I could easily and naturally do, and enjoyed doing.

Writing makes me happy. New people and their ways are endlessly fascinating. Looking for beauty means you’ll always find it somewhere, even if it was just Laks snoring on my lap after a yuck day.

 

And so this year – facing a new job in a remote location – challenging and exciting but just a little bit scary as well – the need for resolutions that again feel calming and positive (and practical for living in a remote location while undertaking a new job) feels all the more important. There is so much to do already – so much to plan where every decision at the moment requires meetings and discussions and more decisions – that adding anything more that isn’t intrinsically part of me would be too overwhelming. The adage of doing the things that make you scared can be an inspiring thing but it’s not always a bad thing to also want to do the things that don’t twist your tummy either. The big things this year are big enough without adding more drama to them for the sake of making a cooler inspirational quote.

 

So – this year – some of my resolutions will stay the same as last year. Bolder and braver. Beauty and inspiration.

New people and new places are coming regardless so embracing them is not only positive, but also deeply sensible.

But new resolutions too.

To forgive myself when I stumble, and to be peaceful with myself when I feel anxious about all the changes. To trust that I’m better at breathing and stopping now – and seeing the beauty – which makes all of that other negative stuff disappear more easily.

That it’s OK to not always be brave and that there will be days when I disappear into a good book or the Buffy series or my own writing – another resolution is to actually finish writing a book. To let myself have those less-brave days in order to be brave on all the other days.

 

There is something exciting and powerful when change comes rushing at you – change is always a good thing, no matter. So my resolutions this year let me meet the changes with clear eyes and a full heart, and this can never be a bad thing.

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